It has been about a month since Dad joined the angels. Chinese new year came and went. Fortunately my aunts who used to take care of grandma are not pantang and invited Mum and I over for CNY. I dreamt of Dad twice (very weird dreams). I sat through 2 mid- terms. I have another coming up in less than 2 weeks. Mum will be going for the covid vaccination next week even though my parents were quite reluctant in the beginning.
I still miss Dad everyday. We settled all the paperwork but his belongings are still untouched. I can’t bring myself to do it. I feel like another part of him will be gone once we clear his belongings. My Dad has a habit of writing quotes and paragraphs that he found meaningful while reading books. I am thinking of compiling them into a quote journal but I haven’t got about conceptualising this memorial project.
There are times when I feel helplessly angry. Angry and unfair that other people still have their Dads whereas my dad never got to see me graduate, never got to see my future husband (if I ever get married) and never got to be a grandfather. Angry when people complain about the slightest things about their parents or having the desire to move away from them. Angry that I never did enough for him. Angry with the doctors who kept delivering bad news (although we were already prepared). Angry that the hospital didn’t send me a card expressing their condoleneces. Angry with the illness that took him away. And obviously I was angry with God in the beginning, but I was amazed with the strength, calm and a rational mind He gave me in order to deal with all these afterlife arrangements.
And I may have also un-intentionally drifted away from some of my friends. There are times when I post depressing things on my social media because I felt so alone and helpless. When they dm-ed to check on me, I pushed them away and ignored them all. I didn’t feel like talking to them. I saw Dad’s life fade away from the day he got hospitalised until he took his last breath that fateful night. I am mentally scarred for life. No one can understand all the shit and pain I went through until they lose their own dads. Talking it out to he wrong people makes it worse so I kept my mouth shut. I just want them to know I still value them as a friend and I really appreciate their concern. Maybe it’s my subconsciousness protecting me.
I am upset. I don’t want anything else except my Dad.
SuperRandomWorld 