It is taboo to talk about death especially since Chinese New Year is drawing near, but there are some things that I really need to come clean about.
From now on, it is just my mum and I. My dad joined the angels on 1st Feb.
It was a hard pill to swallow for us. I was gutted. I thought he could see me graduate and get my TCM license. I didn’t expect things to happen so suddenly. My grandma grew her wings in Oct 2020. I wasn’t ready to lose another loved one.
My dad got diagnosed with a lung tumor 4-5 years back. It was located near the heart hence he didn’t opt for surgery. 7 years back he underwent a major operation to remove one of his kidneys. Given his condition you can kind of guess his current state of health. At the end of the day he decided to co-exist with the lump and live life as per normal. But it seems like he was living with a time bomb all this while.
I took up TCM in hopes of helping him to better manage his condition. But I guess he can only watch me from heaven, helping other people’s daddies.
How exactly does heaven work? Can dad hear me when I talk about him? Can he feel it when I think of him? Did he manage to meet my grandma? My grandma doted on him a lot. In fact he was closer to her than to his own mum.
It feels weird coming home and staring at dad’s portrait instead of having dad open the door. The house is much quieter now. Even though he was a quiet man, but when he talks, he is full of substance. My mum still accidentally calls out his nickname sometimes. We kept his things at their original places. It’s as though he never left us, but he’s somewhere far away.
Some days I am fine. Some days I grit a smile and brave through the day. Some days the littlest of things can remind me of him and make me cry. Some days I wake up and wonder how I am still alive. I know I can’t be sad forever. Dad probably doesn’t want to see us in this state. But grief is the price you pay for someone you love.
I don’t know how much time and space I need to process and heal. But I promise I will stay strong and take care of mum. God is taking care of us.
Dad I love you and miss you so much. Till we meet again.
“I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith.” 2 Timothy 4:7-8
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