I have enough of all your jokes.
I woke up to a steady stream of water pouring on my face.
Suddenly I fell onto a metal surface with a loud thud.
My face was disfigured and I ended up having a large crack. Part of my skin had chipped off too.
Then I was placed back to where I was originally sleeping at.
Later at night I overheard 2 voices talking.
The older one said “Hey, I have to get rid of (me).” Then she recounted what she did to me in the morning.
The younger one said “walao eh. ok lor.”
Then I got placed in a hanging plastic bag together with chocolate wrappers and fruit rinds.
The environment was humid and moisty with little space for me to move about. I felt suffocated.
After that I felt someone unhooking the plastic bag and tying it into a knot.
Where on earth am I going?
She opened a cupboard and subsequently lifted up a metal lid. She placed me on the platform adjoining the lid.
NOOO please dont close the lid! I know where I am going to! I havent had enough of life yet! How can you do this to me? I still have a long way to spend my time with you!
But she didnt hear my cry. She closed the lid and I fell straight down for 9 storeys. It felt like suicide.
Then my body shattered into pieces.
And that’s the end of Christina’s cup!
You really thought it was me? My face is still intact, apart from the occasional pimples that came out of stress.
My mum dropped my Elmo cup while she was washing it in the morning and was complaining how low the quality the cup was because it cracked immediately.
Using a piggy cup right now. Lol.
I just wrote this as a tribute to my cup because I dont really like to throw things away. So much for the sentiments developed towards non-living things!
Tomorrow is monday….AGAIN!
I just want life to stop right now and wait for me to catch up before it continues moving.
But it is selfish enough not to wait for me.
Anyway, I dont care what grade I gonna get for my HY2253 paper. I only have 1 week and 3 days left till the due date and I am writing stuff which didnt make sense to me. Prior to that I have seeked many opinions of christians and I am getting blur after hearing their answers. But thank you everyone for your help!
Today is the release of A level results. I know I shouldnt be dwelling on this issue cos I have taken my results a year back. But it amazes me how I managed to pull myself together and live through that period of time. One year has passed and I thought that it might be a good time to reflect.
Before I got my results back I thought I could at least secure one of my scholarship applications. In fact I was riding on the high wave of prelim results that I applied for 5 scholarships and 2 USPs. Since they sent me the invitation to apply for early admission and scholarship so why not?
Now come to think of it I guess I was just overly ambitious. If my results werent fantastic at that time, it might have motivated me to work harder, although I was already working hard. And who is going to care if I had a scholarship? No one bothers to ask. But still part of me didnt give up in the race for some prestige. I applied for another scholarship (but more of financial assistance I guess) that was exclusively opened to history students. I havent received any notification ever since I handed in the documents. Part of me wishes that my application has been rejected again and that I will stop daydreaming about it. But another part of me is dreaming that the documents are still in the midst of processing, because I dont want the harsh reality to wake me up from my illusions.
During the process of announcing the results to us; 3As. 4As. 5, 6, 7 As. At the end of each category I remained hopeful that my name would be called. Because I believe that I should get what I deserve. In the end when the entire event was over, my name wasnt even mentioned at all. At first I was in disbelief. Did they miss me out? How could I get a B for one of my H2 subjects? YH assured me that I already secured a place in NTU sociology so there isnt much to worry about. But my thoughts were in another universe different from hers. These honour roll guys are going to get more than what I got. Who will care about what I have secured?
When I met my form teacher I tried to restrain myself. Her graduation message to me was that she had faith that I will do well. But I didnt make it onto the list. Whatever it was, I just felt humiliated. Reality struck me even further when I got back my results slip. First of all I already refused to believe that I had a B for my H2. Second it was even more hurtful to see myself getting a B for my favourite (and best) subject, history. Everything was just wrong. Incorrect. Someone who wrote my life story must have made a mistake.
Why is it, out of 3 H2s, that it has to be history? If it was econs or chem I wont have cared. Anyway for 2 complete days I was in shock. I mean it. And I had a hard time controlling my emotions. The next day when I saw the newspaper with headlines of top A level scholars (MOE hasnt implemented its new policy of scholar anonymity yet), I just ripped it and threw it into the dustbin. If I had a lighter I could have set the bin aflame. The feeling of falling from the sky, hitting hard on a ground of nails. It’s just too painful to accept and bear the effects. It is even more painful to plan my next step now that my dreams are already dashed.
I couldnt explain why my reaction was so extreme at that time. Maybe because my temp job is rather belittling and I wanted something to shore up my self-worth or just something to brag about and prevent myself from being treated condescendingly by snobby office workers. But seriously who will give a damn about your A level results once you step into uni and the workforce? Or maybe it is because of the prospects of receiving a scholarship that raised my hopes?
The subsequent weeks and months were just replies of rejection of scholarships. I just broke down in front of the computer when I received those emails. I already had enough, but life decided to torture me even more. Perhaps I should just resign to fate that I am not destined to be a scholar. The only consoling fact was that the college sent me a letter saying that I was the top in cohort for H2 econs and wanted me to go back during college day to collect my award. Oh the irony. I have absolutely no idea how they manage to determine who did the best in those subjects. Was it because the teachers saw me in a traumatic state that they decided to give me some consolation? If only it was history. Going back to school reminded me of that fateful day when I got back my results. Only a couple of weeks passed but I could still feel the sense of loss and defeat.
It is a wonder how I was able to suppress all those feelings and act as though nothing happened. But I had to do so anyway. Life still has to go on, and a tougher journey in uni is lying ahead. I am absolutely confident that there is no way I can get onto the dean’s list. I dont know what I will achieve at the end of 3 or 4 years here. but I have resigned to fate that I will not climb up high and join a fruitless race of getting any awards. But ironically part of the fighting spirit still lives in me, which compelled me to apply for the scholarship. Mankind needs a goal to look forward to, and hope to keep them going. Even if the possibility is bleak, there is something non-existent that is encouraging me to press on.